Dad~Grandpa~Papa
Trip to Carmel~ Written Sept. 23, 2008
Wonde
rful, precious time at the beach. It was not as cold as it looks....he just gets cold easily (always has). We sat at the beach...just inhaling the ocean breezes and the sounds of waves breaking, birds squawking....all of the beach stuff that is so relaxing and satisfying. This is the beach on which Jake and Jennah were married.Jake used to live in Carmel...and so drove us to the wharf where we walked, shopped a little, and ate fish and chips looking out onto the water. I think my dad was deeply happy....content to be hanging out with the family. His backside,however, ended up being sore from the long drive. This was worth every second.
For all those summers you took Coni, mom and I to Oceanside for our vacations..."thank you Dad!"
Today he is not feeling well...he continues to have a recurrent headache . He is weak and mostly confused. The headaches are not relieved anymore with Tylenol. Hospice has encouraged me to use the methadone they have left here for me. It is hard for me to decide to do that. I know he does not need to be in unnecessary pain, but the thought of going the next step makes me so sad. I dont want to lose him.....and I dont want him to lose us.
Being a hospice nurse, I know all the signs and symptoms of impending death.....and he is making that journey now. He is gradually leaving. I am heartened in the knowledge that he knows Jesus.....and that he longs to find rest....to be finished with life here on earth. But I want him to stay. We all feel that way with the ones we love.
We will make these last days special.....and enjoy every second.
I am comforted in the fact that he is surrounded by love and family. Little Levi pats him on the arm and says "you ok papa?". He brings him blankets and food and his own toys to play with. Jake has put a grab bar in the shower....and does all of our lifting. Jennah gives endless care, love and attention to him...especially when I am gone at work. He knows he is in a family unit....and that he is loved immensely.
What is the goal in losing those we love? I think it is to have "no regrets". There are no regrets.....and whatever number of days that God allows my dad...we will savor.
And finally...not many days later: I am grateful to God for allowing me to accompany my dad to his final breath....to have taken care of him those months. I know now that He empowered me to accomplish one really good and right and pure act in my life on earth. I have experienced loving unconditionally...loving him...and it just happened. He healed a part of me...and enabled a part of me....and gave me this gift of my dad...so immense.
I love you, Dad, and miss you.
2 comments:
I couldn't tell from this, Debi, if you just lost your dad or if you were remembering the past. Either way, what a beautiful tribute to your dad and to God's work in your life. You are a gem.
(Love the picture of your darling Jennah with your dad.)
Glenda..He died in 2008. Jake and Jennah and Levi moved in with me and we all took care of him. I will send you an email of the final days...I had tried to chronicle all of it. Jennah is the gem...well, so is Jake. When my dad finally passed and the funeral home came to the house, I was very emotional. Being in hospice , and seeing this part of it many times a day...I knew I didnt want to be present when they transferred my dad to the gurney. Jake had gone back to the bedroom with the funeral representative and lifted my little dad in his arms and transferred him himself. That has been a precious memory to me. They are good kids!!!
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