Shamira....my neighbor

My next door neighbor is an elderly, Assyrian woman...from Iran. Whenever I visit , she asks me in for tea. She brews it, strains it and pours it into clear tea cups. We sit at her table and chat. She has experienced much....the loss of her 42 year old daughter who died of bone cancer....the loss of her husband in the midst of raising children and managing an almond farm.....and the various hardships that come to us while living life on this earth. She has a deep, abiding faith.......and speaks of the Lord's goodness through her tears as she shares her losses.

I relish ...I savor....our around the table encounters. I leave her presence refreshed...and feeling somehow safe....just knowing she is near and is watching out for me. As she shares her wisdom, gained only from living long, I strain to secure her words and thoughts in my heart and mind.

Shamira still drives (well into her 80's).....and shops daily for fresh food in order to prepare her tantalizing, old world meals. A grape vine cascades across her yard, from which she gathers the Thompson leaves to make a meal. She prepares a mixture of rice, beef, leeks (also growing in her yard), garlic and dill which she carefully wraps in the leaves. Another meal she shared with me today, steaming and bubbling straight from the oven...was similar. She called it "Dulma"....an Assyrian , traditional dish. Zucchini and tomatoes and peppers were stuffed with a mixture of rice, parsley, beef, leeks.......and probably other things. The skins of the stuffed vegetables melted in my mouth...tender...not at all bitter or tough. Of course, I begged her to show me how to make this marvelous meal. She agreed that we would do that one day together.

She grows beautiful, fragrant roses and knits baby blankets.........all on the agenda for future teaching sessions.

Gratitude....that is what I feel. Grateful that God would place me in the house next to hers. My friend and mentor, Shamira.

Mikalah Anne Travis...born May 1st..13 yrs ago.

I was there when she was born.....my first grandchild. An amazing, unbelievable moment....assimilating, somehow, the miracle of this person infused with a part of "all of us".....grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins...from both sides of the family.

Mikalah Anne Travis...born May 1st..13 yrs ago. Our precious first grandchild will be 13 on Saturday. How did our beautiful, lovely, joyful baby transform into such a stunning, kind, still-joyful teenager in a seemingly small amount of time?

I have loved and enjoyed and looked forward to every second of time spent with my Kalie Girl. Before her move from Watsonville to Idaho , she and I spent a couple of hours huddled together on the beach. It was chilly and windy and wet. Waves slammed against the sand. We lay wrapped in a blanket...shivering and talking. We cried...we made promises of visits and phone calls and letters. I was sure my heart would break......and that I wouldnt recover. What I thought I knew was that she would forget....that soon Gramahuny wouldnt be quite so important to her as she grew in her new life.

We still talk, we still write (email and texting) and visits are filled with fun and hugs and sometimes, tears. I love her "past God and back"...as we have always pledged to one another. And, astounding to me, she still desires "time together" with her Gramahuny.

We are surprising her Saturday...the day of her birthday. Her parents are registered to race in Spokane on Sunday. I am flying into Spokane on Saturday...she does not know this. Her parent's gift to her is a night's stay at a motel with me!!! The motel is located on the river front....and , as I understand, saturated with shops, restaurants and a mall. The afternoon and evening will be ours......shopping, eating, talking, pedicures, melting pot chocolate fondues, more talking, heart to hearts while snuggled in bed.

Who will be most excited with the visit....Kalie or myself? I think it will be the latter.......forever thankful for this time.....while she still considers this "her present".

14 Pounds and Stuck!

Could it be because Chad brought fresh donuts for the staff....that smelled luscious? ( I only took one bite).
Could it be because a family member offered the staff meat and cheese roll ups made fresh at Costco (I ate one).
Could it be because our boss made a tantalizing jello, walnut, whipped cream delight (let's just say I ate some!)

Or all of the above? UGH!

More Than We Can Bear?

Taf and I had one of those conversations. She remarked how it is that well-meaning people share ideas that get passed along from one generation to the next. We even forget their source. Taf and I laughed..most of the sage little quotes we pass along and attribute to "god" are Ben Franklin originals...such as "cleanliness is next to godliness". One popular phrase is "we are never given more than we can bear". We are told that it is in the Bible...somewhere. But is it really scripture? Do we find that "truth" in God's Word? We read in the Bible that we are to bear one another's burdens....and that there is no "temptation" that can overtake us without there being a way of escape..but I cant seem to find that other phrase there.

Are there burdens too heavy...more than we can carry? Is losing ones entire family in a fire more than one can bear? Is losing a child to disease, to kidnapping...to sexual abuse...more than one can bear? Is being forced to be a child soldier in Uganda more than one child can bear? Is cancer? Is a stroke? Is losing a spouse to divorce....watching a family unravel?

For the most part, I believe life is more than we can bear. I am not even sure we should attempt it...much less think that we are able. I am thinking that when we meet the "unbearable" .....we come face to face with the truth of ourselves...of life....and that is that it is out of our control.

A man I know is facing the death...slow, agonizing death...of his wife. His first inclination was to "manage" it......to somehow secure the outcome and everything in between. He reacted in anger, blame........more controlling...until, at last, he gave in to what he couldnt change...and began to "lean" on others.

Maybe we are "supposed" to experience "more than we can bear", rather than enduring or escaping.. Maybe, just maybe, it is then that we let ourselves be "held". When we finish managing...when we lay, face down....from the sheer exhaustion of struggling ......maybe it is then that we know we are being carried.

Taf's stroke was more than I could bear.......certainly more than she could bear....and more than her precious family could bear. I imagined I had lost my oldest friend....and with her I felt a part of me leaving...a part of who I am and a part of the history that defines my life. My grief was overwhelming.

We watched as she was "held"...as she was carried from that dark, seemingly hopeless, unbearable place.......to light, to wholeness.......to healing. Others were strewn along her path to assist with the "bearing"....to literally hold her up...physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.

It was "way more" than she could bear....He "allowed" her more than she could bear. It is curious how that works....because in her weakness....in her inability to bear the burden....she became strong...stronger than I have ever known her.

Just look at her now.......

Talks in the Dark, Reading by flashlight, Snuggling........

Grandchildren...Oh God....let me absorb this precious time and please dont let it pass too quickly. My little guy spent the night with me. I have several beds in the house....but no...he asks...he insists... on sleeping "together" on the couch. He says, "Remember, Gramahuny, you hafta lay down first and then I squeeze in between the cracks." The cracks?

We nestle in, time for sleep.....and he says "lets talk about tomorrow".....so we talk. The talk doesnt have to be about tomorrow.....it is his way of beginning the conversation. I pray he never changes.....that he will always want to talk...to share his ideas and to listen to mine.

The "talk about tomorrow" ends and he states that two things help him go to sleep...movies and stories. He chooses Rudyard Kipling's "Jungle Book"...NOT the children's version....but the "no pictures" , "full of words" version. The very special experience of reading at night, by the light of a flashlight....is cuddling close and being put to sleep with the rhythm of words expressed through a gifted author. Magical and comforting...all at once.

He suddenly jumps down from the couch, kneels at its side. His head against the cushion, hands folded...he prays "God, give me good dreams tonight." He looks up at me and says "I will pray about being Superman tomorrow."

Will he remember spending the night with Gramahuny, reading by flashlight, cuddling on the couch, long talks in the dark? Probably not. But, possibly his heart is just a little bit more padded with the security of being loved by someone who thinks the sun rises and sets on him. I know I wont forget.

Early Detection

God is good. In spite of my procrastination, the pre-cancer was caught before it could develop. Early detection Ladies....and , believe me, I am the worst at getting those yearly tests....for anything. Thanks to Dr Aimee, a baseline mammogram for the newly prescribed estrogen was ordered. Left to myself, I might not have had one until I actually had cancer and maybe it would have been at a stage that is not so hopeful.

My surgery is May 7....outpatient. They are removing atypical cells that , left unremoved, would make me 10 times more likely to develop cancer. No more estrogen for me.....I will have to learn to compensate with my "foggy" brain. :)

Message here for me: Mammograms. Yearly. No excuses.

***late note: Dan, Taffy's husband. told me it was good to have found this when I did....He said "you may need 'your parts' someday soon." I laughed so hard and said "not likely!"

Good-bye Africa...Good-bye my Luya sisters

Written Dec 18, 2008

Picture: Nairobi, Kenya on the continent of Africa

Shoes and feet and color....

We have not taken one step of this journey without them at our sides. we have become sisters in every sense...totally obliterating skin color and race.

We have laughed together, cried together, crossed each new obstacle together...and we have watched God weave His eternal plan....together. Miracle after miracle...we have witnessed it together.

I have to sort of blink my eyes and even pinch myself...asking for a reality check. Has this really happened? Did we spend a week and a half, which feels more like a lifetime, with two African sisters...traveling by foot, by taxi, by bus, by plane...up and down Kenya? Did we actually make this eternal, human bond in Africa?

Thank you, my sisters, for your hospitality, for welcoming us "Karibu sana"...without reservation, into your lives...into your family. Thank you for giving away your time to guide, protect, and "be with us". Thank you for like hearts..Hearts that see disease, hunger, lack. Hearts of compassion and hearts that, through the power and love of Jesus...seek to ease the pain of others...even if for only a moment. Together we listened, spoke, fed, held and prayed with others. Love so amazing. And through it we were changed...the world was changed.

I will never forget you.

Susan..such wisdom coupled with the ability to share it gracously and kindly. A fountain of information and instruction...loyal, pure, protective.......possessin

g a true servant's heart.An example of strength and love to every woman alive.


Rosemary..spontaneous, willing to jump into any situation and "set things right", intense and bold. Kindness straight from the heart......and mostly, the first to want to pray in every situation (especially when we missed our plane to the US! ha).

We love your entire family and were blessed to have met them and to know we have a family in Africa.

Mostly, we share one faith, one God...one vision...and that is His. He bound us forever in Him...even if across continents.

I will miss you...we have not been apart in all these days...and now we return to our very different lives. I have no doubt that God will continue to use us together...even while apart..and that this is not the last of it...we will be together again.

Asanti sana!

Update 4-18-10

Yay....I have lost 13 lbs now! And 71/2 in. around my waist. I love this, because I am not dieting. I feel as if I am eating lots of food....it's just the right foods and in the right amounts.

I have loved eating my new sandwiches....Earth grains sells delicious buns that are 100 calories. They come in multi grain, whole wheat, etc. I fill the bun with thin sliced deli turkey (45 calories per 6 slices..and I only need about 3 slices), top with a slice of vegetable cheese (swiss) and I use a low cal ranch dressing or low cal miracle whip. I stuff in lettuce, sprouts, tomatoes.......so wonderful . The whole sandwich is only 200 calories.....good taste and good for me. They are easy for me to take to work....separating the lettuce, tomatoes and sprouts into separate bags until time to eat.

During my 3 days of work, I did not have time or energy for walking after work....but I am guessing (from past use of my pedometer at work ) that I walked apprx 3 miles each day. Passing meds at break neck speed for 12 hrs should count for something!!!lol.

Beef Tamale Bake

Another yummy recipe from the It's Good For You cookbook from Pampered Chef. Again, with this one I would add lots of cilantro...and be sure to pick your favorite salsa, as it is the main taste in this dish. It is filling, has black beans and cornmeal...lots of fiber. It serves 8 and is only 270 calories per serving. I cut this in portions, placed in baggies, and was able to eat them when needed...whether it be lunch or dinner. This is also an economical dish...using only 1/2 pound ground beef. Notes: Brown a whole pound of ground beef and freeze the other half...ready for the next recipe. May use a lg round corning ware casserole dish, or deep 8x8 pan.

Beef Tamale Bake

1 1/2 cups yellow cornmeal
1/2 cup flour
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup hot water
2 egg whites
3T veg oil
1/2 pound gr beef
1 jar (16 oz) thick and chunky salsa
1 can (15 1/2 oz) red beans, drained and rinsed
1 garlic clove pressed
1 1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp ground cumin
1/2 cup (2 oz) shredded Mexican cheese blend


Preheat oven to 400 degrees. Spray a deep dish casserole dish with non stick cooking spray. Combine cornmeal, flour, baking powder, and salt. Whisk water, egg whites and veg oil ..spread into cornmeal mixture, stir until smooth. Pour batter into casserole dish.

Cook ground beef over med heat, 6-8 min, until no longer pink , breaking beef into crumbles, drain.

Add salsa , garlic, chili powder, and cumin to beef. Mix well. Bring to boil over med heat. Spoon beef mixture evenly over batter to within 1/2 inch of edge of baker. Bake 20-23 min or until crust is set. Remove from oven, sprinkle with cheese. Let stand 5 min. cut into wedges.

Red Chair

My new but old red chair I found at a thrift store. I am liking it so much! Someone needs to come visit me and sit in it and talk to me while I make them something yummy to eat.......

Deborah...the face of Aids in Africa

Deborah

Deborah , a woman of Africa who is dying of aids. She contracted aids from her husband who has already died....his grave is in her front yard with the graves of two of her children who died at birth due to viral overload. She has 6 children who are not postive, and the child she holds on her lap is not her own. The child's mother and father died of aids and Deborah cares for their child. The child is HIV positive.

Deborah agreed to be questioned and filmed by us while we were in her home in 2008.She wanted her story shared so that others might be spared the ravaging effects of aids. Education...knowing...is everything!

She is precious....her smile is beautiful.

Deborah lives in small, mud house...dirt floor, a table, some chairs, blankets on the floor...no running water. She is hungry, her children are hungry. She reports that she sometimes has work "weeding" for others. We left a small amount of food for her. She also reported that she is faithful to take her aids medication , which is free to her (US govt pays for it). We prayed with her...Rosemary praying in Deborah's native tongue..Swahili.

Our sister in Kenya, Susan...who is an RN and aids educator...took food to Deborah and her children on behalf of my family and our friend, Valerie. It was our Christmas for her. Along with food, I included a letter from myself that Susan read to her as she delivered the food.

This is...she is...real life. In my letter I told Deborah that until we die our life matters. Her life matters....to God, to her children...and now it matters to me and to my children. She has inspired me...to be stronger...to know that I can persevere through pain...and my heart, again....is full to overflowing. She shares my name...what an honor that I share hers.

God is good.

California Wraps

California Wraps

This recipe is wonderful...and kept me happy for a whole week. I wrapped each sandwich in plastic wrap , making it easy to grab and go. Each sandwich is only 240 calories with 14 grams of protein. I added fresh cilantro to the mix of ingredients.

Makes 6 sandwiches

1 lg tomato diced
6 T thinly sliced green onions
1 medium avocado, seeded
1 T reduced fat sour cream
1/2 tsp lemon juice
1/8 tsp salt
6 (8 inch) fat free flour tortillas
6-12 lettuce leaves
8 oz thinly sliced reduced fat deli smoked turkey
1 pkg (4 oz) sprouts
8 T shredded reduced fat cheddar cheese

Dice tomato, slice onions. Remove avocado from skin. Mash avocado, stir in sour cream, lemon juice and salt.

Top each tortilla with a scoop of avocado mixture, spread to within 1/4 inch of edge. Cover iwth one or two lettuce leaves, place slice of turkey over lettuce. Top with sprouts, sprinkle with 2 T tomato and 1 T each green onion and cheese.

Roll up each tortilla tightly. Cut each wrap diagonally in half.

Weight Loss

I have lost 11 pounds and 6 1/2 inches around my waist in the last month or so. I am not on a diet. I think I would call it changing how I eat and how I cook. Changing my cooking habits was not difficult as I was not cooking. It seems that since I have lived alone, I have had no desire to cook....something I used to love to do. How I eat...what I eat...was more difficult. I cannot describe what I was eating as I dont know, really. I just kind of ate whatever was around...or stopped for food...or just got so terribly hungry that I would scarf down anything I could find. There was no plan.

My Plan

1...As Valerie says.."eat only what you cook"...which means actually cooking and no fast food.

2...Limit my meals to apprx 300 calories, with 100 calorie snacks, unlimited non-starchy veggies, fresh fruit...totaling not more than 1200 calories.

3...Walk 3 miles a day.

4...Yoga a couple times a week. This one has yet to be accomplished....I know it will be great for me and I love it, but I somehow fail to get to the classes as scheduled.

This new plan has been really fulfilling...fun. I am in love with cooking again. I purchased a couple of used books from Amazon...cookbooks featuring 300 calorie meals and cookbooks featuring 100 calorie snacks. One of my favorite books is one that Jessicah gave to me from Pampered Chef called "It's Good For You".

I start with picking a couple of menus...which usually serve 6-8 people. I have prepared some great meals and have divided them by portions and placed them in baggies. Being one person means they will last all week. I am able to grab a baggie for work. When I come home after 12+ hrs of work, there is little preparation time required, which protects me from eating out of extreme fatigue and stress. I always add some steamed veggies to whatever meal I have prepared.

In the last couple of years , I have purchased items from my Pampered Chef consultant (my daughter, Jessicah)....which, now that I am cooking again, are so convenient and useful and fun to use....making cooking an easier and more creative experience.

I have prepared some of the 100 calorie snacks and put them in baggies by portion size as well...so that I can grab a snack that is pre-calculated and prevents, again, over eating. Many times at work things get hurried, pressure and stress build...fatigue sets in....and it is easy to grab chocolate or cookies (which our kind patient families liberally supply). With my plan already in place it is easier to grab a snack that is good for me and limited in portion.

There is great snack I have found that is worth sharing with others. It is a pasta snack. While it is a carb, it is still just 100 calories per serving. Also, I have learned that pasta is more of a complex carb than we would expect...meaning that it doesnt immediately raise blood sugar, takes longer to digest....and thus more satisfying. It is not a perfect snack, but holds me longer than a 100 calorie bag of chips or cookies.

My Pasta Snack Recipe:

Pasta Chips...serves 4

Note: these should be crispy. I have noticed that putting them in baggies causes them to stay moist and chewy. Not ideal...but I have learned to like them that way. They would be better left to open air in a bowl, but I find it hard to keep track of portions that way. Also...instead of making just 4 servings, I adjusted the recipe so that I cooked the whole bag of pasta and had plenty of the chips on hand for work.

4 oz medium shaped pasta bowties or shells...cooked and cooled.
1 1/2 tsp olive oil
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp dried basil
1/2 tsp oregano
1 TBS grated Parmesan cheese

*Preheat oven to 250 degrees. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper

*Place pasta, oil, salt, basil and oregano in a bowl and toss well. Pour pasta on the prepared baking sheet and transfer to oven. Bake until very lightly browned and slightly crisp..8-12 min. Sprinkle with cheese.

Note: I found it took longer to cook than the recipe says....and at the end I turned on the broiler to brown the chips.

Prognosis

A mammogram, an ultra sound, a biopsy, a Dr's call. Suddenly, the world swirls....I am dizzy with thought and angst....and my life feels taken over. Surgery? It's NOT cancer...but the "prognosis" is good? Prognosis?... sounds alot like "cancer" to me.

In a few moments of reflection....I see my life whiz past.What is important? What matters most? A deep breath and I know..........my kids, my precious grandkids, my family, my friends. What am I saying here? Relationships. The heart of life. Not my house, or my job, or my paycheck, or stylish clothes, or status....but relationship. And when one thinks "terminal"........well, it is essentially a journey taken alone...no one else can walk through the valley except "the one" for whom the journey is designed. So , for what do we grasp? What is it we hang onto? Where is our security? our joy ? I am missing my mom terribly... but the ultimate relationship is what we desire...is what we know will hold us. "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death...He is with me....I am held".....

I dont have cancer...I have a lesion that is pre-cancerous...that left to itself may eventually develop into cancer. And it needs to be removed...simple, out patient surgery....soon. While it is not cancer, and is not life threatening...or even life altering..I still had to take the journey into the "what matters most" place. A few minutes there and my life feels renewed.

I know this...God is good. Whether the "prognosis" is good or bad......He is good. He knows the beginning from the end and the end from the beginning. I am just along for the ride.......and I think I like that.

The joy of the Lord is my strength..........Joy is strength? It is, because joy is the gift of hope...without which we shrivel and die. Lewis B Smedes writes: "Stilling for a moment anyway, the haunting anxiety that maybe life is made only of the stuff that hurts and angers and makes us feel small and phoney and stupid. 'There comes a sense that life---now, here, today---is a gift worth blessing God for.When it comes, when this sense of being a gift comes, joy has come to us."

There are flowers to plant, a garden to tend, grandchildren and children to visit, date nites with my favorite little guy, cuddling with my puppy, special family..my sister and nephew.......crazy, wonderful, loving friends. I would have to be absolutely insane to think for a moment that joy is elusive.

Prognosis? Continued joy!!

I started my blog again.

I seem to have this insatiable desire to write...to communicate. I was in a small town near the beach one day and there were musicians on the sidewalks...some singing, some playing guitars, some even dancing. I wondered what provoked these people to get up in the morning and go down to the sidewalks and "perform". And did they really think anyone would listen....and werent they a bit embarrassed to put themselves "out there"...for the scrutiny of others? There seemed to be a compulsion to share with others what was deeply passionate to them...even if we didnt care....even if we didnt think them especially talented.

I concluded that I am not all that different from them. I am a compulsive communicator...there it is...my confession. Maybe that is why I am attracted to facebook. The exchanges are entertaining and often thought provoking. And I am also, with all the rest, putting myself "out there"...for the scrutiny of others.....especially the honest feedback from my dear friend , Valerie. And I probably have more than once embarrassed my kids. I love words and thoughts and ideas.......I love feedback. I am energized through the exchange.

My Dreams......that's what I have.....Dreams. Visions...ideas...goals........grand plans....His plans. I do not desire to waste a moment of life. My life, your life, our lives.....are a story in which we live and breathe and move about. The story doesnt have a title or an ending......until it ends...until our last breath is taken. And since we cannot predict that moment....the chapters flow forth....page after page. Only when we glance back, do we see the purposes in those hard, dark chapters. And so the story becomes one of intrigue, of hope, of vision.........but mostly of joy...even in the ashes.

The pages seem to turn so quickly....and I race now...to keep up and to not lose my place. I dont want to miss a thing. Life is exciting!!!